Changes....

You no longer sleep well. 4 Hours at the most. Spend the early and late hours of the morning trying to stop thinking and just trying to drift into a sleep that never seems to come. When you have to get up finally to do the daily necessities you are exhausted and want to sleep but cannot.

You look at the still sealed bottle of anti-depressants that have been prescribed by a doctor but do not touch them. You know you are not depressed, just lost, confused, do not know who you are anymore. You cannot refer to yourself as 'I' anymore as you do not know who this I is.

The day drifts by in an almost incomprehensible haze. You laugh, joke, and smile but none of it is real. You are running on autopilot that has been developed through years of socializing with people you feel are on a lower cognitive development level. That is not enough to keep you going anymore. You are feeling like a hollow shell of your former self...

The night comes again and you wonder how to get to sleep. Do you get drunk and pass out... Do you fall back to the drugs of your youth. You dont because you just can't be bothered to do even that... The excitement of it seems not to appeal.

In the late night your thoughts keep falling back to the thought of Jesus. could this be the holy spirit? Or is it more likely your extreme fatigue kicking you in the backside and messing with your mind. You consider turning to God for help but decide against it as you interpret this as human weakness, the wanting to have supernatural help when all other supports fall away. Even if you wanted to you wouldn't know where to start, there is nothing logical about religion and you have torn it apart too many times to be able to simply have faith. Faith, too much misplaced faith has left you scarred.

You keep looking back and asking yourself how you got to this point but you know the answer, just do not want to accept it. You listened to false promises and put yourself out there, laid bare your true self, your own feelings. Watch your back so you do't stab mine. Why did you not listen to that? It wasnt all bad, though, you learnt that you are normal to a degree with everyday feelings even though they are somewhat misplaced. Just need to get on with it and move on, stop lingering for what may never come. You were used. Deal with that.

The only comfort you find is your previous hiding place. Music. But even that has changed. It is still the same genre but you exposed most of that like an idiot and now all that calms you is faster, harder, more brutal music. This is angry music, more angry than you are. This helps... This drowns your feelings.

Body modification comes to mind but you do not do this, seems too close to self harm. You look at the time and realise you are going to get a dressing down from the college prof. You don't care, the days this once affected you seem very distant. Even he sees the change in you and doesnt bother shouting anymore. Your assignments are flawless so attendance seems a trivial issue.

Perhaps it is time to come out and express yourself more...