Life...

It becomes funny when you realize that the world does not change. Only our perception of it does. Time is an illusion man has created and since time in my opinion does not exist then change does not happen.

"Do I dare to trust this time?
Only those who have been burned before
Ooh, the Bells of Fortune, will I ever hear them chime?
Truly know the meaning of Hell's flaming core

I was the brooding night and you were dawn.
Saving me, for I was forlorn, in your light I am reborn.
Kiss me once and I will surely melt and die,
Looking down into those eyes, I know, I'll be lost and never found again."

-Hammerfall

Just a few weeks ago these were beautiful lines that i thought were talking about happiness and so on but now they seem of a deep sorrow. "Only those who have been burned before, Truly know the meaning of Hell's flaming core" I guess i've been burned than, perceptions have changed.

Life And Books

Some people look at life as a book with chapters. Birth being the first and death being the last with all the 'Normal' school, university, marriage and kids and so on being the chapters in the middle of all this.

Others are not luck to have book styled lives and it's just one massive scroll with life on one end and death on the other. No chapters, just survival. These people are sometimes looked down on by the book people but hey. Not everyone sticks to the same thing through life. Some may cut up that manuscript and bind it into a book. But i'd rather burn and toss the ashes into the river of life and just go with the flow. Not everyone lives a long 'standard' life and accomplishes things. My greatest accomplishment will be staying happy and living for myself. Too bad if im forgotten.

New Years Resolutions

I have never bothered making new years resolutions because I have never intended to keep any but perhaps i should.

1. I will give God a chance and really make an effort. I know I can't keep that going for long so lets call it until end of February.

2. Put a little more effort into my music and give it a chance.

Enough ranting for now.

Merry Christmas :)

Nirvana...

There was once a time where you hated the side effects of the medication. The little tablet that slows down the ticking time-bomb inside your body that you know will one day explode and put you to sleep for the last time. Since birth it has ticked and now the battery runs low. You boost it every night with a little tablet. The side effects of this little daily charge up are the slow poisoning of the liver and kidneys coupled with a temporary feeling of being drunk. Usually you dislike the feeling but not tonight, tonight you are looking forward to disappearing inside your own mind for the days events have caused you to beat a hasty retreat.

"And the drugs begin to flow,
A feeling of joy arises in me"

This line rings through your head and you smile... The day is finally over... Peace is found inside your mind. Nothing can touch you there...

Changes....

You no longer sleep well. 4 Hours at the most. Spend the early and late hours of the morning trying to stop thinking and just trying to drift into a sleep that never seems to come. When you have to get up finally to do the daily necessities you are exhausted and want to sleep but cannot.

You look at the still sealed bottle of anti-depressants that have been prescribed by a doctor but do not touch them. You know you are not depressed, just lost, confused, do not know who you are anymore. You cannot refer to yourself as 'I' anymore as you do not know who this I is.

The day drifts by in an almost incomprehensible haze. You laugh, joke, and smile but none of it is real. You are running on autopilot that has been developed through years of socializing with people you feel are on a lower cognitive development level. That is not enough to keep you going anymore. You are feeling like a hollow shell of your former self...

The night comes again and you wonder how to get to sleep. Do you get drunk and pass out... Do you fall back to the drugs of your youth. You dont because you just can't be bothered to do even that... The excitement of it seems not to appeal.

In the late night your thoughts keep falling back to the thought of Jesus. could this be the holy spirit? Or is it more likely your extreme fatigue kicking you in the backside and messing with your mind. You consider turning to God for help but decide against it as you interpret this as human weakness, the wanting to have supernatural help when all other supports fall away. Even if you wanted to you wouldn't know where to start, there is nothing logical about religion and you have torn it apart too many times to be able to simply have faith. Faith, too much misplaced faith has left you scarred.

You keep looking back and asking yourself how you got to this point but you know the answer, just do not want to accept it. You listened to false promises and put yourself out there, laid bare your true self, your own feelings. Watch your back so you do't stab mine. Why did you not listen to that? It wasnt all bad, though, you learnt that you are normal to a degree with everyday feelings even though they are somewhat misplaced. Just need to get on with it and move on, stop lingering for what may never come. You were used. Deal with that.

The only comfort you find is your previous hiding place. Music. But even that has changed. It is still the same genre but you exposed most of that like an idiot and now all that calms you is faster, harder, more brutal music. This is angry music, more angry than you are. This helps... This drowns your feelings.

Body modification comes to mind but you do not do this, seems too close to self harm. You look at the time and realise you are going to get a dressing down from the college prof. You don't care, the days this once affected you seem very distant. Even he sees the change in you and doesnt bother shouting anymore. Your assignments are flawless so attendance seems a trivial issue.

Perhaps it is time to come out and express yourself more...