Monday, January 20, 2014


It has been almost 4 years since I decided to reduce my online presence and learn about myself more rather than sharing my opinions with the world.

The whole purpose of walking away from the online world was to give finding religion a more honest try. I did not 'find religion' but rather learnt something disturbing-

I am one not as open minded as I once thought I was.

Upon finding this my first reaction was to come back here and delete all of my old posts but hey, I shall leave them as is because they are a part of who I am and what I have become.

We all have preconceived images of people based on what they wear and how they carry themselves but it is not often we look at ourselves and think about how people see us. I have always had negative impressions of young people who wear hoodies and walk around with the hoods up in the middle of summer- Often thinking that they were either insecure or was up to something mischievous.

I do now try and be more open minded about these preconceived notions and discard my judgemental attitude but it is slow coming. Old habits die hard I suppose. I have however learnt that my own dressing and personal grooming habits alter how I myself am perceived.

I find it intriguing how my hair alone makes a large difference to my interaction with people. Being male, having long hair and living in a majority older people town already makes me stand out. But whether I wear it down or tie it back is the difference between everyone saying hello on the street and being referred to as 'dude' or everyone keeping a respectable distance, avoiding eye contact and calling me 'sir'.

The attitude one goes into the world with makes a massive difference too. Having earphones in and walking around with a "Do not disturb" mentality makes people avoid you. Whether we like it or not we all give off subtle clues as to how we are feeling and though these may be interpreted wrong, other people notice them and react accordingly. We cannot then blame society for making us feel excluded. Meeting new people makes me happy. As a result of this I try and meet people all the time- regardless of who they are- and these contacts become useful in making life easier. It's not what you know, its who you know- Don't assume this means that one must meet rich and powerful people or meet people to get something out of them, it merely makes life more pleasant for us all.

Last winter is a good example of this. Whilst stuck 5 miles out of town in the countryside in the snow I covered over my motorcycle and prepared for a cold and uncomfortable walk into town dreading every meter up a steep slippery hill to get there. Out of the night walks a clearly homeless man. My instincts made me look around for escape routes and move my helmet into my right hand in preparation to defend myself. The stranger then pulled back his hood and said good evening and referred to me by my first name. I relaxed a little and tried to remember where I had met this man. He took my helmet from me as well as my bike jacket allowing me to move easier and we walked together back to town down a path I never knew existed. The walk I had been dreading turned out to be a pleasant evening stroll. When we got into town whilst walking past the train station I suddenly remembered where I had met this person- some 5 years before I had sat down on the platform waiting for the train and shared a lunch with him. He didn't move mountains for me that day but he made the experience of being under prepared for the snow that much easier. I still don't know his name or very much about him but whilst walking through certain parts of town I find myself looking out for him if only to say hello and have a quick chat. He is yet another person that makes journeying through life that one bit more pleasant.

Lets all be a bit more open minded about people in general- life is what you make of it.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


It becomes funny when you realize that the world does not change. Only our perception of it does. Time is an illusion man has created and since time in my opinion does not exist then change does not happen.

"Do I dare to trust this time?
Only those who have been burned before
Ooh, the Bells of Fortune, will I ever hear them chime?
Truly know the meaning of Hell's flaming core

I was the brooding night and you were dawn.
Saving me, for I was forlorn, in your light I am reborn.
Kiss me once and I will surely melt and die,
Looking down into those eyes, I know, I'll be lost and never found again."


Just a few weeks ago these were beautiful lines that i thought were talking about happiness and so on but now they seem of a deep sorrow. "Only those who have been burned before, Truly know the meaning of Hell's flaming core" I guess i've been burned than, perceptions have changed.

Life And Books

Some people look at life as a book with chapters. Birth being the first and death being the last with all the 'Normal' school, university, marriage and kids and so on being the chapters in the middle of all this.

Others are not luck to have book styled lives and it's just one massive scroll with life on one end and death on the other. No chapters, just survival. These people are sometimes looked down on by the book people but hey. Not everyone sticks to the same thing through life. Some may cut up that manuscript and bind it into a book. But i'd rather burn and toss the ashes into the river of life and just go with the flow. Not everyone lives a long 'standard' life and accomplishes things. My greatest accomplishment will be staying happy and living for myself. Too bad if im forgotten.

New Years Resolutions

I have never bothered making new years resolutions because I have never intended to keep any but perhaps i should.

1. I will give God a chance and really make an effort. I know I can't keep that going for long so lets call it until end of February.

2. Put a little more effort into my music and give it a chance.

Enough ranting for now.

Merry Christmas :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009


There was once a time where you hated the side effects of the medication. The little tablet that slows down the ticking time-bomb inside your body that you know will one day explode and put you to sleep for the last time. Since birth it has ticked and now the battery runs low. You boost it every night with a little tablet. The side effects of this little daily charge up are the slow poisoning of the liver and kidneys coupled with a temporary feeling of being drunk. Usually you dislike the feeling but not tonight, tonight you are looking forward to disappearing inside your own mind for the days events have caused you to beat a hasty retreat.

"And the drugs begin to flow,
A feeling of joy arises in me"

This line rings through your head and you smile... The day is finally over... Peace is found inside your mind. Nothing can touch you there...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


You no longer sleep well. 4 Hours at the most. Spend the early and late hours of the morning trying to stop thinking and just trying to drift into a sleep that never seems to come. When you have to get up finally to do the daily necessities you are exhausted and want to sleep but cannot.

You look at the still sealed bottle of anti-depressants that have been prescribed by a doctor but do not touch them. You know you are not depressed, just lost, confused, do not know who you are anymore. You cannot refer to yourself as 'I' anymore as you do not know who this I is.

The day drifts by in an almost incomprehensible haze. You laugh, joke, and smile but none of it is real. You are running on autopilot that has been developed through years of socializing with people you feel are on a lower cognitive development level. That is not enough to keep you going anymore. You are feeling like a hollow shell of your former self...

The night comes again and you wonder how to get to sleep. Do you get drunk and pass out... Do you fall back to the drugs of your youth. You dont because you just can't be bothered to do even that... The excitement of it seems not to appeal.

In the late night your thoughts keep falling back to the thought of Jesus. could this be the holy spirit? Or is it more likely your extreme fatigue kicking you in the backside and messing with your mind. You consider turning to God for help but decide against it as you interpret this as human weakness, the wanting to have supernatural help when all other supports fall away. Even if you wanted to you wouldn't know where to start, there is nothing logical about religion and you have torn it apart too many times to be able to simply have faith. Faith, too much misplaced faith has left you scarred.

You keep looking back and asking yourself how you got to this point but you know the answer, just do not want to accept it. You listened to false promises and put yourself out there, laid bare your true self, your own feelings. Watch your back so you do't stab mine. Why did you not listen to that? It wasnt all bad, though, you learnt that you are normal to a degree with everyday feelings even though they are somewhat misplaced. Just need to get on with it and move on, stop lingering for what may never come. You were used. Deal with that.

The only comfort you find is your previous hiding place. Music. But even that has changed. It is still the same genre but you exposed most of that like an idiot and now all that calms you is faster, harder, more brutal music. This is angry music, more angry than you are. This helps... This drowns your feelings.

Body modification comes to mind but you do not do this, seems too close to self harm. You look at the time and realise you are going to get a dressing down from the college prof. You don't care, the days this once affected you seem very distant. Even he sees the change in you and doesnt bother shouting anymore. Your assignments are flawless so attendance seems a trivial issue.

Perhaps it is time to come out and express yourself more...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Global Warming- The Horseshit Behind It...

Yes i thing the whole global warming is something blown up too much. (Looks of shock all around)

My favorite argument of all. Is it going to rain in seven days time and what will the temperature be? No-one can accurately give me an answer so don't try and tell me you can tell me what the temperature will be in 50 years.

The world MIGHT be getting warmer but it's not our fault.

(Right Click and select view image to see properly) Too tierd to upload again.

Take a look at that diagram, notice carbon levels are rising and falling and so are global temperatures? Someone want to explain? Perhaps the dinosaurs were burning fossil fuels? There are explanations but they are irrelevant. Point is, humans were not involved. We are simply in the rising limb of that temperature graph. We humans try to take too much credit for things.

Random bit of information. Remember the pre-eighties? I don't, i wasn't born yet, but still. Some may remember the world shaking at the thought of GLOBAL COOLING. What happened to that one?


In my opinion, the temperatures being compared to could be largely inaccurate. They say the earth has warmed up by what? about 1-3 degrees Celsius? Maybe but lets not forget we are comparing that against temperatures taken in the early 1900. Guess what, the thermometers used were not that accurate, so this could have changed the results.

Look at the list of scientific minds who are for Global Warming. They are all mathematicians and Physicists, their work is on paper. All theory. Look at a list of those who oppose it. Biologists, geologists and the like. More practical based people.

What about this argument that the world climate is changing. Yes it is. Nothing to do with us. The AVERAGE WORLD TEMPERATURE is rising. But it is cooling in other places. Look at a broad perspective. Millions of years ago tomatoes (You say tomato i say tomatoe) were growing on near the north pole. If only the dinosaurs were not burning those fossil fuels, we would have had more food! Okay, that is a bit long ago. Bring it back into time we can relate to a little more. The Romans. No, i'm not going to compare against their thermometers. What is now Libya and Morocco fed the Roman empire. And what do we have now? A whole bunch of sand. So after the dinosaurs left the Romans took up their place and burnt those fossil fuels! How inconsiderate!

Rising sea levels? I lived in Uganda for a while and had a farm by lake Victoria. Due to falling water levels we have an extra 15 meters of beach. Not a sea? Well that water ended up somewhere.

I wont go into the benefits of global warming but hey, the question is: Why exagerate it all?

1. Carbon trading (Money)
2. Scientists need us to be worried enough to fund them (Money)
3. We all know newspapers like to sell. (Money)
4. Money: See reasons 1-3

Yes, i concede the world probably is warming up. Too bad, its a small amount and natural. Stock up on suncream if you want. Nothing bad will happen. We should want global warming to happen. The benefits are numerous.

Lets devote our funds to more pressing things like world hunger and HIV/Aids. We know those are real but hey, theres no money in that i guess.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

An arguement for God... And against God...

Random bit of comprehensible thinking (I hope):

Someone today said one thing atheists are always challenged with by believers is atheists cannot prove the none existence of God. This was not the first time i heard this. Yes, to say the same thing, the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. In other words, because we cannot prove God does not exist, doesn't mean that we can come to the conclusion that he does not.

That is true but in my opinion:

The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. Yes, BUT A CONSISTENT LACK OF EVIDENCE IS MORE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE. So, to put things into a real life example:

I tell you there is a dead dog in the pond, we go take a look in the pond but do not see one. This does not prove that there was never a dog in the pond. So we empty the pond now, we still do not find it. This still does not prove there was never a dog in there, perhaps someone moved it when we were unaware but, this is more evidence towards there never having been a dog in there.

Back to the point of God. For hundreds of years we have had no evidence for the presence of God and thus for me, this is evidence of the absence of God.

P.S i say hundreds not thousands because i refuse to concede anything pre-1500 CE (AD) as evidence of miracles as before that we blamed things like rain or lack of it on the Gods moods. Even 1500 CE is still a bit early but hey...

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Immortality is something that has perhaps been the most sought after thing in the past.

Life is about survival of the fittest for most but growing up around my 'mother' i have realized i don't want to live like that, for me it is about co-existing and leaving a smile on peoples faces.
Everyone wants to be remembered. Even me.. A lot of people try any achieve this by collecting vast amounts of money and material possessions but those things pass hands when you die and the source is soon forgotten, another thing you could do is play Hitler or something similar and you will stain the pages of history for generations to come with your name...

The best thing you could do in my opinion is to reach out and help whoever you can, even in the smallest ways and they may not know your name etc but you will be immortalized in their memory forever as you will have brought a little appreciation to them and perhaps even a smile to their face.

This is how to be remembered. This is being immortal.

PS- I THINK i came up with this sitting in a boring psychology lesson but i could be wrong, if someone knows if i picked it up unknowingly from somewhere please let me know so i stop imagining its mine...